You Know You Masturbate too Much When ...

People ask you why you're limping.
Your wet dreams are about masturbation.
You stop in at the local adult store to buy more lube, and the clerk asks you if you want "the usual."
You fantasize about masturbating while you're having sex.
One forearm is noticeably larger than the other.
The doctor says you have the most shrunken prostate he's ever seen.
Not only have you nicknamed your hand "Rosy Palmer," but you also have nicknames for her five sisters as well.
Your watch beeps every hour ... to tell you it's time to slip away for a few minutes.
You've worn off your fingerprints.
You don't need lube, because your hand is still slippery from last time.
You come, but nothing comes out.
Someone's going down on you, but you push them away because your hand feels better.
You automatically get an erection every time you sit down at the computer.
You spend more time in the bathroom than in any other room of the house.
You have more than three separate porn stashes hidden somewhere in your house.
You singlehandedly pay the salary of the clerk at the adult video store.
Your penis has more than four nicknames.
You talk to your penis on a regular basis.
You're taking yoga classes specifically to improve your masturbation skills.
Your testicles just went on strike.
There are more porn videos than regular videos in your entertainment center.
You have a different masturbation tool for each day of the week.
Masturbators Anonymous won't let you come to any more of their meetings.
You've just about filled up that swimming pool out back ... no water necessary!
The doctor says it would be a good idea to take holidays off.
The clerk at the adult bookstore named a child after you.
You work heavy construction, but your hands are still silky smooth.
You steal Victoria's Secret catalogs from your neighbor ...
... and while you're there you snag the J. Crew catalog, too ...
... but you're not above taking the Sears catalog if that's the best you can find.
You look forward to the Sunday color ads for new masturbation material.
You're a teenager.
You're single.
You're male.
You're reading this list.