Q: In seven months I am to be married to a man I've dated three years. He has had sex with only two girlfriends, one in high school, one in college. He grew up motherless and is a real "guy's guy." He has immersed himself in his career and is very successful. Most of his sexual life has been spent watching soft porn on cable, an occasional x-rated video, or a jaunt to a topless club with a friend.

We have been living together for a month. My question is this: I am having difficulty dealing with his desire to look at naked women - even if it is soft porn. These women are more buxom and much thinner than I can even pretend to be.

He does not watch them in front of me. He stays up late claiming that he is not tired. I suspect it is to watch porn, since if I happen to come out of the bedroom, he immediately changes the channel.

I know it is a man's nature to desire to look at naked women, but I can't help but feel it is not healthy for a relationship. Is it me he desires to have sex with, or the sex kittens who are running through his mind? Is it me he is thinking of when he climaxes, or them? Asking him would only spark him to give me the answer I want to hear. What man would say "the sex kitten!"

I am a strong woman who also has a successful career. I love him, but I'm having difficulty living with this situation. How I can get a handle on myself and overcome my desire to control what he does.

- Sharla

A: Sharla, you haven't used the word "masturbate," but in every letter we have gotten like yours, the woman is concerned that her man is masturbating. This behavior is normal. All men do it. He isn't losing his job over this, or spending every moment of his time doing it. It isn't interfering with his affection for you.

This behavior is normal. Men masturbate. In a relationship or out of a relationship, men masturbate. From the time they are old enough to get an erection, till the time they stop getting them, this is their release. Men are wired differently from women. Using images2 to release physical tension is ordinary.

But like all private bodily functions, you want to keep it private. People pick their nose, but you sure don't want anyone to catch you at it. Your man's behavior doesn't have anything to do with how he feels about you, or how much he loves you. Sexual tension builds in a man, like a pressure cooker. It needs to be released before it explodes. Men simply hit their own release valve.

You haven't said anything that makes me think you have a problem. He loves you, he's engaged to you. It's you he makes love to. He knows that. He knows they are just images on a screen, images with no personality.

You feel you don't equal those pictures. He isn't asking you to. In fact, he probably knows those images have been so retouched, the models don't even equal their own image.